two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
