Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
