She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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