loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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