I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
