K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
