Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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