cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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