actually, I'm a sock model
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
