i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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