You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I will be naked everywhere
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
