my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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