I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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