My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
