If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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