My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
