just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
