Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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