a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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