my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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