david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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