In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
