im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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