I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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