I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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