Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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