I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
