i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize