I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Green mimosas i think yes
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
