i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
