if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
