I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
