I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
