Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
