I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
