theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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