there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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