I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
