I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
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