I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
