he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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