i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
whose ass print is on the piano?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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