question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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