Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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