If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
