I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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