God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
