the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I pour the whiskey from now on
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
