Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
