The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
