Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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