Michael Bay diarrhea
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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