I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
