she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
