i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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