If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
