I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
