New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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