Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
