my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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